Young Children in the Orthodox Church
Some Basic Guidelines
by Presbytera Juliana Cownie
Part One: At the Divine Liturgy
"Suffer little children to come unto me, for of such is the Kingdom of God." (Luke
18:16)
Of course, we Orthodox Christian parents want
to bring our children to Christ. We bring them to be baptized,
they are present with us at the Divine Services, they receive
communion regularly. Isn't that enough? No, we are still holding
them back if we are waiting for them to absorb Orthodoxy by
osmosis. Their bodies may be in the church, but their minds and
spirits are far away. They come into the presence of the Lord but
they do not know where they are or Who He is. Their boredom and
restlessness should tell us this but, unfortunately, we often
render ourselves oblivious to the messages the children are
sending. We ignore their behavior, hoping that this is merely
symptomatic of youthful ignorance and that time will take care of
the problem. In fact, it will. When they are older, these
children will leave the Church, a church of which they have never
been made to feel a part. They will leave and we will be
answerable to God for their departure.
We have a responsibility to our children and to
meet that responsibility we must stop listening to worldly wisdom
and listen instead to eternal wisdom. The world tells us to
indulge our children and make sure that they are never
uncomfortable or unhappy. If we heed this kind of philosophy, we
will feed our children's egos and starve their souls. God, in His
infinite love for mankind, allows us to suffer terrible hardship
and grief for the sake of our eternal souls. We are afraid to
allow our children to suffer a temporary aggravation for the sake
of theirs. The world has taught us to have no confidence in our
ability to teach and discipline our own children. We want teams
of child psychologists to approve our every action and we fear
losing the love of our children every time a conflict arises.
Even when we are willing to admit the Church into our
child-rearing decisions, we have a tendency to want to hand over
all of our responsibilities to some hapless individual who
suggests having Protestant-style Sunday school sessions during
the Divine Liturgy. This is nonsense. Our children are our
responsibility and we can begin all by ourselves with two basic
principles:
1. We must instruct our children from the
day they are born in Orthodox Christian life BY OUR EXAMPLE,
in our every thought, word and deed.
2. We must concentrate, from their earliest
childhood, on teaching our children basic civilized behavior,
without which any further education, either secular or
religious, will be impossible.
This is not at all complicated or difficult.
The key is consistency.
Now, let us proceed to examine how we can apply
the above principles at a Sunday Liturgy. Please remember that
Divine Liturgy is a culmination of all the prayer and worship
that takes place in the home during the week. If Sunday is the
only day your family gives a thought to God, do not be surprised
if your children feel confused and out of place. They cannot be
expected to put on a show of piety once a week. They only know
how to act out of heartfelt belief and habitual prayerful
expressions of love for God. Let that be our first example to
them and proceed then to preparations for Sunday Liturgy.
Preparing for Sunday Liturgy
On Sunday morning, the family should get up in
a timely manner, so that all can be properly prepared to go to
Church. Large families sometimes find it difficult to have all
the children washed, dressed, and brushed in time without a lot
of nagging, arguing, and rushing around frantically trying to
attend to last minute details. A little organization can go a
long way toward a serene beginning to this holy day. First of
all, have each child's church clothes laid out the night before,
already inspected by a parent so that there will be no last
minute arguments about inappropriate, mismatched, stained or torn
apparel. Children four years old and older can certainly dress
themselves. Older siblings can help the younger ones.
Good grooming is important, both from a
spiritual and a psychological standpoint. Dress a child in
playclothes and he will be prepared to play. This was once a
guiding principle behind school dress codes and is a reason that
many public schools nowadays are requiring uniforms. Little boys
should wear suits to Church, just as the men do (or should). It
is not necessary to spend a fortune. A hand-me-down or a thrift
shop bargain will suffice as well a new suit to fix the idea in
the child's mind that he is wearing special clothing to a special
place where he is expected to act like a man. Not only will the
suit serve to instill in him a sense of dignity, but it will also
restrict his movements somewhat so that sloppy, casual behavior
is rendered far more difficult. Dress shoes go with a suit. Not
only do tennis shoes look ridiculous on someone attired properly
for Church, but they contradict the message (which should be
reinforced constantly) that Church is not a place to play.
Little girls should wear nice dresses and dress
shoes. Even from infancy, their heads should be covered. Some
people who are misinformed about Orthodox tradition may try to
tell you that girls do not need to wear a scarf or hat until they
are twelve. Perhaps this has become confused with the age
children are usually confirmed into the Roman Catholic Church or
they think that the head covering somehow signals to the
community that the girl will soon be available for marriage.
Whatever the source of the misconception, it
has no basis in Orthodox tradition whatsoever. Girls and women
should arrive at Church with their heads covered, stand
throughout the service with their heads covered, and leave Church
the same way. This is done for spiritual purposes concerning
modesty and humility. Therefore, do not be misled into believing
that the headcovering needs to be worn only when confessing or
communing (another popular myth).
Girls, no matter what age, should NEVER wear
pants to Church (or anywhere else, for that matter). It is easy
to fall to the mistaken idea that toddlers should be exempt from
such a rule. Yes, they are cute and they crawl around on the
floor but little girls are not puppies. They will grow up to be
women, hopefully women worthy of praise and emulation. It is much
better to train a child correctly from a very young age than to
impose something suddenly at an arbitrary stage of maturity. The
very fact that it is arbitrary and based on personal opinion
rather than any teaching of the Church will create feelings of
rebellion in the child for which you may have difficulty finding
an adequate response. In any case, if your concern is primarily
that the weather is cold, have the child wear leggings or tights
under her dress.
Boys and girls should be clean and their hair
brushed. Even a very small child experiences anticipation and a
sense of awe about an event for which they are being so carefully
prepared. When a child is allowed to go to Church looking
unkempt, dressed in whatever assortment of clothes that came to
hand that morning, that child will look and feel like an
afterthought - someone who had to be dragged along when the
parents wanted to go to Church. No one should expect an
"afterthought" to be terribly thrilled about the idea
of attending services or to be very cooperative when he gets
there. Another important aspect to be considered is that, fair or
not, the child will judged by the adults at Church according to
his or her appearance and treated accordingly. Warm approval and
compliments from adults other than his parents can have a very
positive and encouraging effect on a small child. He will not
receive any such attention if it does not appear that even his
parents think enough of him to do more than toss some wrinkled
clothes at him in the morning.
The tone of parental expectations and familial
participation can be set during communion prayers before the
family even leaves for Church. As at all prayer times in the icon
corner, the children should be expected to stand quietly and
reverently. Even very small children should be with their parents
at this time because even if they do not understand the words of
the prayers, they do understand the serious attitude of the
parents. This will help to accustom them to particular behavior
whenever prayer is being said, thus preparing them to be quiet
and attentive in Church. Children who are old enough to read
should be allowed to read some of the communion prayers. This
will help them to understand that, as they mature, they will be
expected to take on some of the responsibilities of adults.
Spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally they will respond
with enthusiasm to this invitation to become a contributing
member of the family Church.
Entering the Church
Before arriving at Church, it may be necessary
to remind the children that they are about to enter a holy place.
Laughter and loud speech must cease before we even approach the
Church, as it is inappropriate, disrespectful and may distract
those already inside the Church. We should all enter quietly and
reverently. The reason we get up on Sunday morning in a timely
manner is so that we will arrive BEFORE THE SERVICE BEGINS.
Showing respect for God, the Church, the priest, and the Church
community, we thereby set a good example for our children to
follow.
Children should be taught from earliest
childhood how to reverence icons properly. Their first act upon
entering an Orthodox Church should be to reverence the icons in
an orderly and pious fashion as they have seen the adults do.
Parents should help very small children by holding their hands
and going through the motions of making the sign of the Cross
with them until they are able to do it by themselves. Small
children should be watched carefully and guided as they reverence
the icons. Left to themselves, many children who have not
completely grasped the idea that these actions are serious will
show off or make a joke out of making the sign of the Cross. They
do this, perhaps, out of self-consciousness but it cannot be
tolerated. A firm correction must ensue followed by a demand that
the child make the sign of the Cross properly. If he cannot or
will not obey, the parent should take the child's hand and guide
him through the proper motions.
Candles are not playthings, lit or unlit.
Neither are they teething- rings. Churches and monasteries
purchase candles for a specific purpose - so that the people can
light them and set them before the icons in remembrance of
prayerful intentions. Once lit before an icon, the candle itself
is considered holy and must be dealt with reverently. Children
who are old enough and have shown a certain degree of maturity
may be allowed to light their own candles before the icons, but
only under the watchful supervision of the parents. If, however,
the child makes a game of this, the privilege should be revoked
until such time as he understands what he is doing. A note of
caution is in order here. Candles are open flames which can cause
injury to the child. Little girls with long hair are particularly
susceptible to setting themselves ablaze. Always stand next to
your child as he handles the candle because a moment of
inattention on the part of the child (or the parent) can have
serious consequences. Let us also refrain from sending bored
children to "tend" the candlestands. The distraction
often created by adults noisily blowing out candles and tossing
them into a box is bad enough, but the effect is magnified when
the job is undertaken by a child who craves diversion.
After reverencing the icons and lighting
candles, men and boys should take their places on the right side
of the church; women and girls should stand on the left side. Of
course, babies still small enough to be held comfortably should
be with their mothers, but it is important that boys learn to
stand with the men at a young age. Many people at first object to
the idea of their family being separated during the Divine
Services. They are accustomed to standing together at home when
they pray together as a family.
But when we go to church, we enter into a
bigger community and a larger family. We do not in our
churches have family pews, or even stand apart as families,
leaving those without families even more alone and isolated.
(Although, of course, it is natural for young children to
stand by their parents.) In this context our particular
family has less significance, and we adopt all those present
as our brothers and sisters, our family, in the Faith. (The
Shepherd, Vol. XV, Number 9, p. 17.)
Because we are all one family in the Church, we
have a responsibility to one another. Therefore, it is
appropriate for other members to help look after small children
who stray from their parents or who appear to be acting in
rebellion to their parents' wishes. This should not be
interpreted by the parents as interference or someone passing
judgement on their ability to control their children. It is well
known that familiarity breeds contempt and that children will
often mind a stranger rather than their own parents. This is also
often necessary to keeping good order in the Church. Naturally,
the primary responsibility for children's behavior rests with the
parents but if they are absorbed in the service and do not notice
their toddlers playing at the candlestand or their older children
slouching against the wall, it is perfectly appropriate for an
adult or older child to intervene. Rather than be offended, the
parents should thank those who care enough to take action.
The Service Begins
Once the service begins, our participation
requires that we, as Orthodox Christians, stand, listen
attentively to the service, and make the Sign of the Cross
whenever Christ, the Holy Trinity, the Theotokos, or the saints
are mentioned by name. Our children are also Orthodox Christians
and we do them great spiritual harm when we do not teach them how
to participate in the service. How tragic it is to attend Divine
Liturgy and see children left to themselves to play in the choir
loft or on the stairs, or stuck in a back corner somewhere with a
pile of toys. This conveys a powerful message to the children
that Orthodoxy is for adults only and that Christ and His Church
are not concerned with children at all. This is untrue and
unfair. They have been baptized and they need to be brought into
the fullness of the worship.This is not necessarily easy,
however. Toddlers can be especially trying because they become
easily frustrated when their movements are restricted. At first,
we may be able only to keep them within arm's reach and quiet
their louder outbursts. While we have to allow them a certain
latitude, we must very clearly define specific boundaries to
their movements and their behavior. All children (including
toddlers) need and crave such boundaries. This defines their
world and gives them a sense of security. If no boundaries are
defined, a child will ultimately wander aimlessly throughout the
church until somebody stops him. This is natural. However, this
aimless wandering is unsettling for a child because he has no
secure place where he can feel he belongs. So we set the boundary
for the child close to us, within arm's reach, so that we can
effectively enforce the boundary. The boundary will be tested, we
can be assured of that. The child needs to test his limits to
verify that they are real. Expect any limit set to be tested many
times. Because of this, consistency is essential. As many times
as the child tries to wander, we must bring him back. Any time
the child makes a loud disturbance, we must insist he be quiet.
If he chooses to persist or become even louder, we must
immediately take him outside and discipline him in such a way
that he will connect going outside with something unpleasant. We
should take note that rebellion does not always manifest itself
in a noisy way. Silent sobbing and sullen disobedience are just
as indicative of self-will as tantrums and just as spiritually
destructive if not corrected immediately. Frankly, early
rebellion is best dealt with by administering a spanking. As
controversial as this subject has become, an explanation is in
order here.
A surprising number of parents have fallen for
the trendy philosophy that spankings cause children to become
hostile and violent. The fact is that most small children learn
very quickly from situations in which pain is the consequence for
wrongful actions. If they touch a hot stove, tease a grumpy dog,
or shut their fingers in a door, pain ensues. They do not hate
the stove or try to pick a fight with the dog. They simply avoid
the action which led to the painful consequence. Spanking as a
consequence to rebellion is therefore much more comprehensible to
a small child than lengthy emotional appeals to their better
nature (which has not yet been developed) or long periods of
being ignored followed a furious pounding (which is not only
abusive but confusing to the child).
A spanking is to be reserved for use in
response to willful defiance, whenever it occurs. Period! It
is much more effective to apply it early in the conflict,
while the parent's emotional apparatus is still under
control, than after ninety minutes of scratching and clawing.
(James Dobson, Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions,
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. p.157)
When a parent attempts to apply the method
described above, he must expect a certain amount of criticism
from other members of the community. For some reason, people want
to see a well-behaved child without ever seeing the discipline
applied. Some will say the parent is being too harsh, while
others will complain that the child is unruly. We cannot expect
to please everybody. We must set our own standards for our
children's behavior and hold them to those standards on a
consistent basis. This approach will teach the children proper
behavior and will ultimately gain them much praise when they
begin to act like civilized human beings. The praise will be the
more so because such behavior is so rare nowadays.
Food should never be brought into the church in
the form of snacks and drinks to keep small children quiet. (By
the same token, teenagers should never be given gum to keep them
quiet either.) For one thing, it is uncanonical. The only food
consumed in the church is Holy Communion, Antidoron, and
the Artos. The eggs for Pascha and grapes for
Transfiguration are brought in only to be blessed. Other foods
are forbidden by the canons. Besides, it is just not a good idea
to bribe children with snacks. This teaches the child an
unhealthy attitude toward food which can promote obesity and
creates a bad habit which is very difficult to break. Imagine how
difficult it will be to teach such a child how to fast for
Communion and Antidoron when he is of age.
School age children should be required to stand
throughout the Liturgy, except at the reading of the Epistle and
during the Homily. Standing does not mean leaning against the
wall, slouching with hands in pockets, or hanging on to a parent
(or anybody else). Children need to be standing reverently with
their hands at their sides or folded in front of them. If the
parent senses that the child is unwell or unusually tired, then
it is for the parent to indicate when the child may sit down. We
must not allow the children to make such decisions for
themselves. This is an opportunity to train them in obedience.
There is a world of difference between a self-willed child
deciding that the service is too long and that he must take a
rest, and the parent permitting a necessary rest. The key is who
decides what is necessary. Orthodox spirituality is based in
obedience, as manifested in the obedience of the Theotokos and
each of the Saints. Even in the smallest acts, teachings of the
Church are imparted to children.
The same parental discretion must be used in
allowing children to leave the church to go to the bathroom.
Generally, it is a good idea to be sure that each child goes to
the bathroom before entering the church. In most cases, noone
should need to go again until the conclusion of Divine Liturgy.
Children are very apt to use the excuse that they must go to the
bathroom so that they can leave the church and play for awhile.
In cases where the parent discerns a real need, the parent should
accompany the child to and from the restroom to insure against
any dawdling. This will also discourage any false alarms.
Should the parent need to leave the church for
any reason, the children should remain in the service under the
supervision of the other adults there. In such cases, it should
be understood that the other adults have the authority to issue
corrections and administer discipline where necessary. Neither
adults nor children should leave the church during the reading of
the Gospel, the Great Entrance, or at any time during the
consecration of the Gifts. To leave at these times is very
disruptive and irreverent.
At Communion
Babies and toddlers should, of course, commune
every Sunday and Feast Day and they require no particular
preparation beforehand. By their demeanor, however, the parents
convey their personal sense of reverence for the Mysteries to the
child. As the child matures, the parents' responsibility
increases. When the parents and the Priest feel that the child is
articulate enough and able to understand right from wrong, it is
time to have the child go to Confession. There is no specified
age when this should occur. Some local churches have arbitrarily
chosen the age of seven, but this is merely a guideline and
should not be considered absolute. Some children are able to
confess at a very early age, while others may need more time. The
same holds true for fasting before Communion. The parents should
accustom their child to the idea, first of all, by their example.
When the parents observe that the child does not seem to require
food as frequently (for example, the child is able to play all
morning without showing interest in food), they should help the
child understand that we do not eat or drink in the morning
before we commune. Again, this is a matter of parental discretion
but our goal is to strive to teach the child to put off
gratification of physical appetites in favor of a higher,
spiritual good.
It has been mentioned several times here that
children must learn to move and speak reverently in the church.
This must especially be emphasized when they approach the
Chalice. In some churches, children are communed after the
adults. This helps them to learn humility and respect for their
elders. In whatever order the people are communed, however,
children should not be allowed to push in front of others, fight
among themselves, or in any way be disruptive. They MUST be made
to understand that they are approaching God Himself and that
those who partake unworthily (or with an unworthy attitude) do so
to their detriment. Because parents risk taking this condemnation
onto themselves, they should be vigilant of their child's
behavior at all times. Should the child misbehave as he is
approaching the Chalice, the parent would do well to take him out
of the communion line and not permit him to commune that day.
Communion is a sacred privilege, not a right. The child will
learn a tremendous spiritual lesson when he learns not to take
this privilege for granted.
The child should approach the Chalice silently,
arms folded across his chest. He should open his mouth wide so
that the Priest can easily put the spoon in the child's mouth.
The child should then close his mouth around the spoon and wait
for the Priest to pull the spoon out. If some of the Mystery
should spill on the child's lip or chin, he should let the person
holding the Veil wipe it off.
After communing, the child should move to the
place where the Antidoron is being given. There he should
take one piece of Antidoron, dip it into the wine, and put
it directly into his mouth, cupping his other hand under his chin
to avoid spilling crumbs on the floor. If any crumbs do fall, the
parent should consume them. A small child should wait for someone
to assist him, rather than risk spilling the wine or knocking
bread on the floor. Children should be told that Antidoron
is holy and should be treated reverently.
Until the child eats a full meal, he must not
be allowed to put anything in his mouth which will be taken out
again, such as his thumb, his pacifier, lollipops, or chewing
gum. This is done out of reverence for any trace of the Mysteries
which might remain in the child's mouth.For the same reason, the
child should be discouraged from spitting. Should a baby spit up
after Communion, a tissue or paper towel should be used to clean
up and then taken directly to the Priest so that he can properly
dispose of it by burning.
After Divine Liturgy
Children, as well as adults, should refrain
from socializing until they are outside the church. If there is a
place provided for children to play, now is the time. Children
who have stood quietly throughout the Divine Liturgy should be
praised for their good behavior and allow to burn off some energy
before the Agape meal. There is a time and place for
everything and just because we do not allow children to play in
the church does not mean that we do not understand their need to
play.
If there is a meal at the church after Divine
Liturgy, children's good manners can make for a very pleasant
social experience, while bad manners can make the meal difficult
for everybody. If the food is being served buffet style, children
should always be served after the adults. Small children will
need their parents to make up a plate for them, but even older
children may need parental supervision to be sure that they do
not take more food than they can eat. Of course, nobody should
take any food until the blessing has been given by the Priest.
The parents should take responsibility to clean up any mess made
by their children. Older children and teenagers should be
encouraged to assist in serving the food and cleaning up after
the meal. This will help them to feel that they are a part of the
community.
In Conclusion
It is quite natural for parents to become
discouraged when initial attempts at disciplining children appear
to fail miserably. None of what has been written here can be
accomplished overnight. There is no "instant" formula
for teaching children reverent and civilized behavior. Patience
and, above all, consistency are absolutely essential in attaining
the desired results. This consistency must be based on a sincere
desire to set a proper example so that we, the parents,
demonstrate the best of Orthodox behavior.
True Orthodoxy is reflected in a way of life
which is practiced in the home on a regular basis. To have
children live one way at home and then suddenly to expect them to
act differently in the church is an unrealistic (and, frankly,
hypocritical) approach. If, during the course of the week, the
child has not been expected to stand quietly at prayers, act
respectfully to his parents, and exhibit good table manners, why
should we be surprised if he acts badly at church?
There is no reason to be afraid to set high
standards for our children.
When we have high expectations, children not
only gain self-esteem by meeting those expectations, but they
come to love and respect those who set them. Children want the
House of God to be a place of awe and mystery. Though young
children may have difficulty being attentive during long services
or understanding what these services mean, they yearn to be
taught and naturally seek to understand anything for which their
parents show a deep reverence.
Traditional Orthodoxy is a priceless pearl, a
gift which we bestow upon our children. If we act as though we
are depriving our children in some way by insisting that they
adhere to the teachings of the church, we are blaspheming. When
we bring our children to Christ, we must not forget that we are
bringing them into the presence of the King of Kings. We do no
service to our children when we deprive them of the means of
understanding this blessing. To give them the false impression
that they are equals with their "friend, Jesus" is to
give them a counterfeit Christ. We love our children and
therefore we want to bring them to Christ as He truly is, in all
of His glory. To give them less is to give them a stone in the
place of bread.
If a son shall ask bread of any of you that
is a father, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish,
will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an
egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil,
know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more
shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that
ask Him? (Luke 11:11-13)
Our job as parents is to teach our children how
to ask.
Part 2: The Orthodox Child at Home
Uprooting Self-Will
As has been stated before, the child will do
nothing at church which he has not learned at home. Children, not
being hypocritical by nature, act according to what they have
been taught by their parents. Curiously, parents are often
unaware of what they have really taught their children until they
see the results manifested in public. That is why this book began
with the child at Divine Liturgy—with all the incipient problems
highlighted. It is often easier to choose to blame the
traditional Orthodox Church for making the church atmosphere
uncomfortable for parents of uncontrollable children. But if we
are honest with ourselves, then we are forced to take a hard look
at our home life and our methods of discipline in order to find
out where we went wrong.
What most of us will find when we view our
child-rearing methods through an Orthodox perspective is that we
have allowed the child to develop a powerful self-will. We have
come to expect disobedience rather than obedience from the child.
Indeed, we have often conformed ourselves the child's will,
striving to mold ourselves to the child's every whim and desire,
desperate to win and hold the child's love and approval.
What's wrong with this picture? It is a perfect
photographic negative of what Orthodox family life is supposed to
be. Black is white and white is black whenever we embrace worldly
standards of parenthood. This also means that we are calling good
(strict discipline and high standards) evil (repressive, fanatic)
and evil (no discipline, low standards) good
("affirming", understanding of
"differently-abled" children).
Self-will, once it is firmly established, is so
antithetical to Orthodoxy that it will render spiritual growth
impossible. It is the responsibility of the parents to impose
their will upon the child, even in the smallest details, even in
the seemingly insignificant areas of the child's life.
The will of the parents should be imprinted
upon each step— of course in a general way. Without this,
the behavior of the child can easily become corrupted. After
enjoying himself according to his own will, the child always
returns unwilling to obey even in the smallest things; and
this if it happens only once—what then can one say if this
part of bodily activity is completely neglected? How
difficult it is later to uproot self-will, which so quickly
seats itself in the body as in a fortress. The neck will not
bend, the hands and feet will not move, and the eyes will not
even wish to look as they are told.
But on the contrary, a child comes out
ready to obey any kind of order when from the very beginning
he is not given total freedom in his movements. In addition,
there is no better training in being the master of one's body
than by forcing it to exert itself according to orders. (St.
Theophan the Recluse, Raising Them Right,
Conciliar Press, 1989, p. 34.)
Take, for example, a toddler who becomes
obstinate about food. The child is given a healthy breakfast but
he refuses to eat because he would rather play at that moment. He
screams and cries and thrusts the food away from him. Fine. Let
him get down. A parent cannot and should not force a child to
eat. However, the child should not be offered any more food until
a specific time determined by the parent, preferably the next
mealtime. If the parent becomes obsessive about the child's
eating habits to the point where the child is fed on demand, the
child will learn:
1). The world revolves around me. My desires
supersede those of my parents and they must act according to my
will.
2). It is important that I never feel hungry or
uncomfortable in any way.
How could one expect such a child to respond to
the idea of fasting when he comes of age? It is especially
important that the child not connect the idea of "love"
with the idea of "instant gratification." Otherwise,
all attempts at helping the child to grow spiritually will be
greeted as frightening portents of abandonment.
From very early childhood the child must learn
that he will eat food given by a parent or permitted by a parent
at the time decided by the parent. He will play when and where
the parent decides. A child must learn from infancy to look to
his parents for guidance and not to his own will. We must be
careful here to note that overcoming self-will is not easy at
all. We must expect to struggle and sometimes have unpleasant
confrontations with our children. This can certainly be
exhausting but if parents give in to their children's demands,
even once, spiritual ground is lost that is very difficult to
regain. A child who cries in order to get his way, for example,
will cry for everything once he finds that this method moves the
parents to sympathy. This so-called "sensitive" child
is merely a manipulator of the feelings of others. To cater to
this kind of manipulation as though it were a touching character
trait is to develop the child into a self- involved cry-baby who
will be unable to "cope" with anything he chooses to
avoid.
Daily Life
The Orthodox family gets up in time to say
their morning prayers together. If this means missing some sleep,
bear in mind that it is not only a good spiritual discipline for
the adults in the family, but a tremendous example to the
children of where the family's priorities truly lie. Of course,
extenuating circumstances might render this schedule impractical.
If a member of the household works nights, for example, he should
be allowed to say his prayers later.
Before eating or drinking anything, each member
of the family should have some antidoron or a sip of holy water.
By this act we remind ourselves that every good gift comes from
Our Father in Heaven. When children begin each day with prayer
and by partaking in holy things, they will be far less likely to
associate piety and godliness as attributes to be considered on
Sunday at Church.
In our culture, breakfast is likely to be a
hurried, informal meal. However, this is no excuse to forget
either the blessing or one's table manners. If the children are
attending public school, chances are that they have picked up
some fairly deplorable habits which must be vigilantly corrected.
As with any other meal, complaints about the food must not be
tolerated. The day should start with a nutritious meal but that
does not mean that the mother must become a short-order cook
catering to each individual whim.
After breakfast, when various members of the
family have made their way to work or school, the traditional
Orthodox mother will find herself at home with her smaller
children. Or, if she is homeschooling, all her children will be
there with her. The children will not be at a day care center
while she is at work because then we would not be discussing the
traditional Orthodox home. Frankly, the concept of a mother
dropping her children of each day at an institution in which a
few underpaid employees attempt to supervise several children at
once is antithetical to the idea of Orthodox homelife. The mother
who wants to instill true Christian spirituality in her children
must be there to see to it herself.
Though cleanliness and orderliness in the home
are important and should not be neglected, the Orthodox mother
should avoid the use of television as a babysitter while she
attends to household chores. No matter what the sponsors of
children's shows may try to tell us, there is very little on
television which is actually instructive or substantial. The
rapidity with which the images are shown have a mind- numbing
affect on a toddler and afford them little opportunity for
interactive play. Television does, however, become addictive and
parents who indulge this addiction usually end up experiencing
the very unnerving phenomenon of their small children demanding
to see "their" programs and throwing tantrums when
their demands are not met.
Far more instructive is the constant verbal
communication that should be taking place between mother and
child. This is how a young child learns to speak correctly. If
the child is allowed to play in the same area of the house where
the mother is doing her chores, they can have a lot of positive
interaction without the mother having to leave her tasks and
devote her entire attention to the child. In addition, some time
should be set aside for the mother to read stories and play games
with the child. A mother is her child's first and best teacher
provided she does not turn her responsibilities over to the
television set.
This is also a good time to introduce children
to concepts of beauty and harmony, particularly in the area of
music appreciation. Without worldly biases, small children
inately love that which is lovely. Peaceful and intricate
melodies not only calm babies and small children but help them to
form a preference for that which is beautiful. As the child
grows, he will come in contact with cynical peers who identify
their world view with nihilistic noise. The best protection an
Orthodox parent can offer is to instill in the child a love of
beauty and a belief in good, as embodied by the Orthodox Church
and expressed in many ways by those who love God.
What else can a young child learn at home with
his mother? Other than the basic skills necessary for functioning
as a social being, the Orthodox child is forming a conscience and
it is critical that this conscience be formed correctly. He must
not be shielded from the fact that he is a fallen creature
capable of sin and in need of repentance. This self-knowledge
must be cultivated. The mother must be strong and look at her
child in the light of what is best for his eternal soul. She
must:
1) Firmly insist that every command she gives
to the child, even the seemingly least significant, be obeyed. If
obedience is not forthcoming, there should be immediate and
unpleasant consequences. A mother who sighs and smiles after such
a transgression, saying, "I just can't get him to do a thing
I say," has abdicated her responsibility for the child's
soul.
2) Teach the child to respect other people's
property. This may mean that the mother will find herself
endlessly repeating, "Is that yours? No, that is not yours.
Don't touch." This will not only help instill a certain
humility in the child (I am not the center of the universe.
Everything does not belong to me), but it renders the child far
more trustworthy in situations where he is not under constant
supervision.
3) Teach the child to ask permission. Anyone
who has visited an Orthodox monastery knows that the monks ask a
blessing of the abbot before they do anything - begin their work,
go out on an errand, take a drink of water. This not only helps
the monks spiritually in accepting authority and acting in
obedience, it helps the abbot maintain good order in the
monastery. If a monk were to take food without asking, how would
the abbot know whether the brothers had enough food for the
evening meal? The same is true in the Orthodox household. If a
child must ask permission before eating, then the mother knows
how much food he has eaten and whether or not he might make
himself sick by having more. If the child must ask permission
before he goes out to play, the mother knows where he is and will
not spend time franticly searching for him.
Permissiveness is not kindness. A young child
who has bonded to his mother from infancy desires to please her.
His willfullness and rebellion do not make him happy; they are
merely traits of fallen humanity. Some modern theories teach that
it is wrong to make a child apologize when they have done
something wrong. They surmise that since the child is not able to
feel genuine contrition, we make the child into a hypocrite by
forcing them to say what they do not feel. The baptized Orthodox
Christian child does indeed feel the inner imbalance of his soul
when he has sinned. He must be taught to recognize the source of
that imbalance and to express the repentance that is necessary
for him to be restored to harmony with God.
What frost is for flowers, so is the
transgression of the parents' will for a child; he cannot
look you in the eyes, he does not desire to enjoy kindnesses,
he wishes to run away and be alone; but at the same time his
soul becomes crude, and the child begins to grow wild. It is
a good thing to dispose him ahead of time to repentance, so
that without fear, and with trust and with tears, he might
come and say, "I did something wrong." (Ibid, p.
43.)
In the evening, the family is reunited. The
evening meal should be taken together. Sadly, our society has
largely abandoned the concept that it is important for the family
to come together in joyful fellowship at the end of the day.
Frantic accommodation of various schedules, snacks taken in front
of the television, grazing from the refrigerator — these have
taken the place of meaningful conversation and the bonding of
parents and children around the dining room table. Let it not be
so for the Orthodox family. The hectic pace of life being what it
is, the evening meal may be one of the few times we have during
the work week to relax and enjoy one another's company. This is
where children learn how to make congenial conversation and have
a chance to tell the important events of their day. It should be
an opportunity for everyone at the table to talk about the things
that interest them with the people they love most. This is not
the occasion for the mother to tell her husband about the
transgressions of the younger children, or for heated arguments
of any kind, or for adolescent sullenness, or for complaints
about the food. Informality within the family does not mean that
we are free to be our rudest and crudest with those who must put
up with us. It means we are free to express our love and interest
in those with whom our lives are entwined.
At whatever time is most suitable to bring the
entire family together, we say our evening prayers. This may be
followed by the daily scripture reading or a reading from the
lives of the Saints. These are very beneficial for children as it
gives them spiritual heroes to emulate. If, when we begin the
practice of spiritual readings, younger children become squirmy
and inattentive, we must not be discouraged. They will soon
accept whatever is routinely done and will understand what is
said better with time.
In Conclusion
For Orthodox Christians, every day is dedicated
to God. Our earthly concerns must always be secondary to our
spiritual concerns. This is what our children must see and
experience always. When there is a Feast Day of the Church, the
Orthodox family must make every attempt to be present at the
services for the Feast. If this means missing school or work, the
sacrifice of that time will only help to underline the fact that
worship of God is a priority. When, for some reason, it is
impossible for the family to attend services on a Feast Day, they
should make an effort to either say some of the prayers from the
services in their icon corner at home (if they have the books) or
teach the children the significance of the feast day and read the
appropriate scripture readings from the Bible. At all times, the
children should be made aware of festal and fasting periods and
what is expected of them during these periods. The more they know
of the cycle of the Church calendar, the more Orthodox children
will feel themselves to be a part of the greater Body of Christ.
Part 3: The Orthodox Child in the World
At School
To be honest, the atmosphere which prevails in
the average public school is not exactly conducive to promoting
civilized behavior, much less Christian conduct. The greater part
of what the Orthodox parent tries to convey to the child at home
will be quickly unlearned at school because of the child's desire
to fit in with the herd. Hypocrisy and shame will often have the
child leading a double life if the parents are not extremely
vigilant and careful. Ideally, Orthodox children should be
schooled at home but the ideal is not always attainable.
Accordingly, here are some guidelines for helping a child
maintain his identity as an Orthodox Christian within the public
school system.
1) Have your own dress code and enforce it.
Children express their identity by their outward appearance. Many
inner city school are moving to curb gang involvement and
discipline problems by issuing uniforms and banning make-up and
jewelry. Thus far these methods have proven quite successful.
Even if your child's school has not instituted such regulations,
you should insist that your child be attired modestly and without
unnecessary adornment. Girls should be wearing dresses or skirts.
If for the sake of modesty, a girl needs to wear shorts, they may
be worn under the dress. The use of hairspray and the wearing of
boyish or distracting hairstyles should be discouraged. Boys
should be wearing clothing that fits them properly and should
have their hair properly trimmed. There is a mistaken notion
among some Orthodox Christians that boys who serve as
candle-bearers or readers must wear their hair long as a monk or
priest does. This is not true and should not serve as an excuse
on religious grounds to violate existing school dress codes.
2) Emphasize the importance of keeping fasts at
school. Temptations will be many and will come not only from the
child's peers but from teachers who want to treat the children
(almost always on a Friday). Provide tasty sack lunches on fast
days. It is not usually too difficult to give the child something
more desirable than the usual cafeteria fare. Bring fasting
treats to school parties which are held during a fast period. Let
the teachers know about Orthodox fasting practices at the
beginning of the school year so your child will not experience
discomfort at having to explain concepts he may be unable to
articulate. Above all, let your child know you are proud of him
when he has refused something he would like to have eaten. He
will remember that encouragement when future temptations arise.
3) Make the child think always in terms of
acting as a Christian and pleasing Christ with his behavior. If
the child does something wrong at school, he should admit it and
be willing to take the consequences. A child who blames others
for his behavior or lies to escape punishment is developing a
pattern of moral cowardice. A parent who blames others for the
child's behavior (The teacher doesn't like him. It was the other
kid's idea. He just went along), or shields the child from the
fair punishment he deserves is training him to be a moral coward,
or perhaps training him to be immoral. Encourage the child to
forgive the children who wrong him and tease him. Help the child
to try and see things from the perspective of the teacher who
always seems so grumpy and hands out so much homework. Never give
the child an excuse for not meeting their obligations at school.
If he misses class to attend Divine Services, make it clear that
he must make up the work. Try to have a good relationship with
the teacher so that if problems arise, the communication lines
are open to discuss them.
4) Teach your child that he must never be
ashamed of being an Orthodox Christian. Wearing a cross, saying a
blessing before eating, refraining from blasphemy or cruelty,
these are all things which set him apart from an unthinking crowd
of young people who have no idea who they are. Do your best to
convince him that confusion and fear of ridicule are not enviable
motivations for living.
As a parent, do not be deceived into believing
that the school owns your child or has any right to dictate to
you how your child should be educated or what values he should be
learning. If the school is offering a course which you find
morally objectionable, have your child excused. If the school
will not excuse your child from the course, withdraw your child
from the school. Whether or not you choose to argue the merits of
a particular class, your child should not be subjected either to
morally questionable material or to the ensuing controversy
should you decide to fight to have the material removed.
At Other People's Homes
Specifically here, we are referring to homes of
non-Orthodox friends, though some of the ideas deal with manners
which would apply in anyone's home. Most Orthodox Christians in
America do not live in Orthodox communities. Our children will
undoubtedly have friends who not only know nothing about our
religious beliefs but know very little about any kind of
religious beliefs. Even the idea that our children may not be
allowed to do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do
it may leave them incredulous. If we tell our children that they
may only associate with those people whose values are identical
to our own, they may be waiting a long, lonely time for such
people to appear. What is more, they will either develop into
unbearably self-righteous judgemental prigs or they will reject
us as such.
However, just because the child is in a
different environment, he should not adapt his behavior to suit
the surroundings to the extent that he ceases to be an Orthodox
Christian in the presence of his friends. In fact, if the
environment renders it impossible for him to act as a Christian,
he probably does not need to be there. This sounds like a
difficult balancing act but usually it is merely a matter of
putting two key ideas into practice:
1) The child should act in the homes of others
as he does in his own home. That is, he should be obedient to the
adults in authority, ask permission, and respect the property of
others.
2) The child should not judge non-Orthodox
people by Orthodox standards. They do not sin when they do not
fast on a Wednesday or a Friday. The child need only remark about
Orthodox fasting rules in reference to himself when offered
something he may not have.
If there is good communication between Orthodox
parents and their children, visits by the children to their
friends' homes should not be a source of anxiety. The world is a
strange place, however, and we sometimes do well to err on the
side of caution. Be sure your child tells you if anything goes on
in the home which is disturbing to him and act accordingly.
Serious problems, such as drunken or out of control adults on the
premises, require that the child not be allowed to visit the
home. Lesser problems, such as the family saying no blessing
before they eat, require that the child learn to say a quiet
blessing for himself and remember his friends in prayer that they
may ultimately come to know God.
In some homes, television is watched rather
indiscriminately and music is played which contains some rather
vulgar or even blasphemous lyrics. If your child has been brought
up in the proper atmosphere of piety and has developed a real
appreciation of beauty, he will be repulsed by these things.
Depending on the circumstance, the child should be encouraged not
to spend play time watching television with his friends. But if
the friend watches only family type programs, it will do no harm
to allow the child this form of occasional entertainment. If,
however, these friends seem to spend all their time in front of
the set, or they encourage your child to watch objectionable
shows or listen to inappropriate music, then these are not
friendships worth cultivating. At the same time, we need not
insist that the child leave the house just because an older
brother of the child's friend listens to rock music in his room
or the parents watch a questionable sitcom in the den while the
kids are playing in another room. Let him take his leave only
when he is placed in uncomfortable proximity to the disturbing
imagery.
If the child's friends lead him into unruly
behavior by their example and he is unable to resist the
temptation to act as they do, then it is time to deny permission
to the child to spend time with such friends. A child cannot
learn too soon that being led into sin by one's friends can
result in negative consequences. This lesson, among others, helps
build a child's strength of character and individuality.
On Vacation
Ideally, the Orthodox Christian family should
spend some vacation time each year at an Orthodox monastery or
convent. These visits are especially important in helping
children establish positive role models and sparking in them an
interest in monasticism. For all Orthodox Christians, monastics
represent a spiritual ideal which help us to put into perspective
the very few sacrifices required of us as lay people. When
children see monks and nuns acting in obedience and humility,
being of cheerful service to others, and gladly spending long
hours in prayer, they understand much better the attitudes and
actions required of them. Of course, we always hope that some of
these children will decide to become monastics themselves but it
would be unrealistic to expect them to evince such a desire if
they have not had the opportunity to see this life for
themselves. Whatever sacrifices of time and money it may require,
a visit to an Orthodox monastery or convent should be a priority
for every Orthodox family.
Of course, there are other types of vacations.
Those taken with the family are not so much a problem for
Orthodox children. The family will naturally say morning and
evening prayers together and keep the fasts wherever they are.
But what about vacations spent with non-Orthodox or nominally
Orthodox relatives?
It does sometimes happen that a relative wishes
to have a child come and stay with them during a vacation, but
knowing that this relative has a somewhat low opinion of the
traditions of our faith, we feel reluctant to let the child go.
Whether we should or not depends on whether the relative will
allow us to set some ground rules for the visit. If the ground
rules will be respected, these visits should not be a problem. We
must insist:
1) That he child not be harassed about any
aspect of his faith. Make it clear that negative remarks about
fasting, prayer, the child's traditional appearance (i.e. a girl
not being allowed to wear pants), the child's interest in
monasticism, etc. constitute harassment and will render another
visit by the child to this relative improbable.
2) That the child be allowed to fast on fast
days. Peanut-butter sandwiches and fruit are perfectly
acceptable. It should never be implied that the relative go to
great expense or trouble to entertain a fasting child. This is
another area where it will stand the child in good stead if he
has learned not to complain about food.
3) That the child be allowed to attend Church
on Sundays, if possible. This needs to be gauged by the
individual parent. If the relative is not Orthodox and lives far
from an Orthodox Church, perhaps it would be better for the child
to say his prayers in the relative's home. If the relative is
Orthodox but considers vacations to be time off of Church, one
can afford to be more insistent as the example is a terrible one
for the child.
Equip the child with the necessary prayer
books, icons, and prayer rope so that he will have no excuse to
miss saying prayers and remind him that the relatives will only
take his religion as seriously as he does. Do not encourage him
in judging his relatives or treating their beliefs with disdain.
The more truly Christian he acts, the more interested in
Orthodoxy they will be.
In Conclusion
There are no guarantees that applying any of
the above suggestions will result in our children remaining in
the Orthodox Church into adulthood. This is a sad fact but one
which must be faced. We live in difficult times and our children
face myriad temptations. We cannot ultimately force Orthodoxy
upon them. They must choose it for themselves. We are, however,
accountable for what kind of teachings they receive during their
formative years. If we have done our job, the chances are greater
that they will remain Orthodox or, if they leave the Church, that
they will come back. They will not come back because they like us
so much or because we filled every minute of their childhood with
fun. They will come back because their hard experience in the
world will teach them some respect for our strictness and because
we told them the truth even when it hurt. There can be no other
definition of love for a Christian than a sincere desire for
someone's salvation. The love we bear our children must be
according to that definition at the expense of any other which
the world may try to impose upon us.
Is it remarkable that there are so few who
are being saved among those who have led a bad youth? This
example more clearly than anything else indicates in what
great danger is a person who has not received good rules in
his youth and has not beforehand dedicated himself to God.
What good fortune therefore it is to
receive a good, truly Christian upbringing, to enter with it
into the years of youth, and then in the same spirit to enter
into the years of adulthood. (Ibid, p. 71.)
This monograph was originally published by the Center
for Traditionalist Orthodox Studies. It is available
for order.
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